THE ASPIRING HORSEPLAYER

We all know how ferociously the Horse of the Year debate is currently running on the net.  In stark contrast to that heaviness, here’s an attempt at a little light hearted humor hoping to bring a few smiles to people’s faces.  I originally posted this over on the TVG Community, and am now posting it here as well in the hopes that some might enjoy a break from the actual hardcore debating. 

What follows are some badly paraphrased and misquoted phrases from political discourse (okay, and one quote that has nothing to do with political debates, although the film the quote is from did contain scenes surrounding a political campaign and candidate) in recent memory.  No one is spared parody; Right, left, conservative, liberal (although we did bypass the independent and 3rd party quotes, so I suppose Libertarians and Green Party voters were technically spared, but I digress). 

‘Tis all fair game in love and war (and lame attempts at horse racing related humor)!

Please, nobody take this too seriously.

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By order of the 111th Congress of the United States of America, I have been hereby nominated to moderate a series of debates between Breeders’ Cup Classic champion Zenyatta, and 3-year-old filly sensation Rachel Alexandra concerning the 2009 Horse of the Year campaign.

With the nation divided, the people have a right to know who their Horse of the Year should be.

Let’s join the action live. 

Good evening, the first question will go to the filly.

Rachel Alexandra, how do you respond to the allegations that you “ducked” Zenyatta in the Breeders’ Cup Classic?

“You talkin’ to me? You TALKIN’ to me?? You talkin’ to ME??? Well who else are you – you talkin’ to me????”

Yes, we were actually talking to you.  The debate has officially started. You know what, fuhgedaboudit, we’ll come back to you in a moment.

Let’s try a question for you, Zenyatta.

How do you respond to suggestions that you enjoyed a significant home field advantage in the Breeders’ Cup?

“I can see Santa Anita from my back yard.”

Interesting. I did not know that. Weird, wild stuff.

Okay, let’s come back to Rachel again for the next question.  Hopefully this goes better than before.

Rachel, while your campaign was brilliant, what do you say to those who believe that the Breeders’ Cup Classic is the race that ought to decide the champion?

“That depends on what your definition of “is” is.

Okay…not really sure I understand that answer.

“I did NOT HAVE previous relations with that Pro Ride surface!”

Of course not, although some will offer that you were accomplished over synthetics at Keeneland…

“Read my lips! That is all part of a vast, West Coast conspiracy!”

“Excuse me, If I could just get a word in here edge wise?”

Of course, Zenyatta, we can certainly make time for an undefeated Classic winner.  You have 30 seconds to respond to the filly’s statement.

“There is no East Coast domination of horse racing, and there never will be under a Zenyatta administration.”

Wow, emphatic!

Rachel, would you like to respond to that statement?  

“Ich bin ein champion!”

Few would disagree with you.

Moving on, the next question goes to Zenyatta.

Some folks have suggested that the campaign of your rival is more significant because she is a mere 3-years-old compared to you.  How do you respond to those statements?

“I want you to know also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit for selfish purposes my opponent’s youth and inexperience.”

“I have as much experience in racing as Curlin did when he ran for Horse of the Year in 2007!”

“With all do respect, I knew Curlin; Curlin was a friend of mine during his stay here for the 2008 Breeders’ Cup. Rachel, you’re no Curlin.”

“There you go again.”

“People have had 2 straight years of Jess Jackson and Steve Asmussen.  What they want is change.  Change they can believe in.  What we need is a uniter, not a divider.  Mr and Mrs. Eclipse Award voters – TEAR DOWN THESE WALLS!”

“Oh yeah, well when I look over your races this year, I’m reminded of that ad, ‘Where’s the beef?”

Ladies, ladies, please!  Riveting exchange, but let’s get back on track here, shall we?

Oh wait,what’s that?  My producers are telling me something.

I’m afraid we’re out of time for the evening and it’s probably best to cut this post short right here.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this mockery of famous political quotes (and one gratuitous and randomly referenced Taxi Driver quote) created as a satire of our current discourse regarding Horse of the Year.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

P.S. Don’t forget to vote in our poll and join the actual debate in our previous post:  The Great Debate: 2009 Horse of the Year.